the responsibility of being in love.

 I went to a convention the other day, as an artist who finally released my first own original artbook with my artists's friend. We went with her husband too, helping us to pack and prepare things for the con. I can't help but notice the difference when she's with her husband or just me around her. And i think that's cute.

Initially, I thought i would just come to the convention, selling my books, met people just like usual, and doing art trades with people. 

I prepared almost 50+ pieces for art trade. Spending my entire weeks just to prepare it to give it for free. 

But somehow, since the day when i prepared the book itself, so much hardships coming bit by bit, not only the hardships of the drawing itself, but also the financials, even health come in the way. 

When I got my first buyer at con, the first thing that come to my mind is, "why'd they buy it". 

Isn't that weird question if you are the one selling it? of course i can come up with the answers like, "because my drawing is good" or "because they are fans of my friend who is quite famous herself". But, I still trying to find, why they are really doing it. 

Then one by one, my long distance friends are coming, one had to come right after work, tired, but he spared time for me, asking to take pictures together, and then talk about the day. One comes with a bucket list of circles they want to visit, including mine, buy my book, talk, taking pictures too. One really pushed through their discomfort [I know him very well that he hates crowds and has anxiety about it]. And even another one wearing real cute dresses just because I encourage them to wear it cz it will look cute when i took picture of her with my doll. 

Then the questions came back to my mind, why'd they do that? we met like once in a bluemoon. Even one of our buyer suddenly brought us a postcard, with our original characters, PRINTED OUT, and it was full painted illustration. Why'd I spend 30 min just to think which merchandise I want to buy, when I know really well, it will end up in my drawer, untouch. 

Why was I so excited for all these things? 

And most importantly, 

why is it all makes me want to comeback to my desk, and hold my pen for hours? 

Dealing with inconvenient stuff of painting something?

I can only think of one word, 

Love. 

I was in the middle of the hall, realizing how so many kind of love in this world. The kind that makes you want to spend all your savings that day to one artist that you admire so much. The kind that makes you want to get their sign. The kind that makes you want to met your friend out of your comfort zone, presenting them with cute things so that they can remember you. 

That's... a lot of work don't you think? haha. 

Looking back to human civilization, we built things in the name of love. In the name of love, we built community that later became nations. In the name of love we created wars or trades to other regions. In the name of love, we contribute in consumerism more than we realize. 

I think my love to drawing is just the same thing with the way I love someone. I'd think of them for hours, share things with them, learn about them, wanting them the best and fighting for it. I'd die to deliver my work, I'd starve for it. I'd also live to pass it down to others. To pass my love to this thing to keep them alive in the next generation. 

I know that we are not the only species who experience affection, but, what do you called it when you are care to a complete stranger that is need help in the middle of the road? what do you called it when you started to gather courage and voice just to speak more about justice? what do you called it when you watch someone's drawing and makes you all giddy entire day and comeback home immediately holding your pen again and again? Though we have so many words for it, but I think it's all byproduct of love itself. 

this is where I stumble upon eaJ new EP song, the title is, Responsibility of Being in Love. I think it's such a strong sentence.

I think love and hate never been two separate things, but rather love itself can create hate that we can never imagine before, just because we love it so much, it became our responsibility to being good at it, not out of people who asked us to be perfect, nor the company who hired us, but only because we love it, we want to do the best for it, and end up hating it because we can't do our best. 

but I think people forgot that, love is never been easy. nor perfect, in a sense, you can still love someone while hating their breath in the morning. Just as much I love drawing but hate when I have to do study all over again. Even all the hardships we did to pursue it still not enough to prove that we love it so much. 

I think we are all capable of love, we are just... afraid of it. cz it took courage. it took courage to pursue it, because it's so messy and uncertain. while the world slowly lose it's passion by not choosing love.

while some people might think, 'i hate these things now', I think we are just blinded by all the hardships, we forget that we are doing it out of love in the first place, and those hatred just coming from how much we love it.

I hope people never forget that, and never forget to just take things easy, that we are all capable of it. We just need to walk it one step at a time.

—Responsibility of being in love [eaJ], please listen to his song, he is incredible, haha. 

and as a personal touch, this kind of thinking and realization, just making more in love with this world and its phenomenon. I have so much love towards it that I am not sure I'd be able to pour it enough until I die. But, I really hope this kind of love would never die even when I am gone.

special thanks to my artbook partner for keep reminding me to take things slowly. And the rest of you who came just to see me around. I will meet you at the top.